Dear Sex Educator,
I know that orgasms are clitorally produced, but my clitoris does not seem to be very sensitive. I have found that I can not reach an orgasm unless my boyfriend and I are very rough. It is often difficult to reach an orgasm at all, and I am starting to get a little bit frustrated. I also feel that my boyfriend may be getting discouraged because he feels that he is not able to satisfy me. I was wondering if there is anything I can do to make myself more sensitive, or is this something I should just learn to deal with? Please help me if you can.
Women vary tremendously in how much stimulation we need to have orgasms. We also vary during our menstrual cycles, and the amount of stimulation it takes to reach orgasm can be affected by various medications (especially antidepressants in the Prozac class).
There are few things you can do to make yourself more sensitive, but there are lots of things you can do to increase your ability to have orgasms. One thing you can try is to use a suction device (we carry a simple one, called the Nipple or Clit Pump, on your clitoris once you are aroused, to increase the blood flow to your clitoris and increase your engorgement, which will make your clitoris more sensitive.
I also strongly recommend you explore the use of a vibrator in conjunction with your sex play. You can get a small, strong vibrator (such as the Zippity Doo Dah) that both of you can enjoy, that will provide the extra intensity you need, and that is not particularly intrusive. Once you are aroused by your partner’s hand and/or mouth stimulation, set the vibrator along your labia to bring more blood in and intensify your sensitivity. Then have your partner continue with oral or hand stimulation, alternating them if you want, or having him use your vibrator along with his hand or tongue.
If your partner is initially reluctant to include a vibrator in your sex play, see if you can convince him to play with your vibrator on his own. Many men enjoy vibrators on their penis and testicles, and they often enjoy using them on their partners during intercourse, since they can feel the vibration through their partner’s skin during penetration. You can hold a small vibrator against your clitoris during intercourse, or while your partner penetrates you with fingers. So give it a try, and see if that helps.
I hope for you that you’re able to have many more orgasms as a result!
The Sex Educator