What to say to help my partner be a more sensitive lover

Dear Sex Educator,
I’m single but in a committed relationship. Sometimes, during our sexual intimacy, I need (but I don’t tell) him to stimulate me more, and he doesn’t do it. This makes me frustrated. How can I make him more sensitive to my needs?

The best way is to tell him. Do so gently, and make sure he knows what he does that you do like, and then tell him that sometimes it takes a little more … intensity, speed, or whatever. Then offer to show him what you like, either by masturbating or guiding his hand/mouth/etc. while you play together. There is no reason for him to automatically know what you want or need. Not only are men and women very different in our stimulation needs, but every woman is different, too – so his previous partners may have been just fine with how he performs as a lover. He can’t read your mind, and if you don’t tell him, he will just assume that everything is fine.

This is also a great time to ask him what else he wishes that you would be doing. Create an atmosphere where you both can be open and honest, and then be sure that you consider any request seriously. Then it is not about him doing anything “wrong”; instead, it is just ways that both of you can become the best lover that the other has ever had!

Choose a time when you’re not having sex, and start a frank and open conversation about “What else would you like me to do with/for you?” and “Sometimes it would be helpful if you …” without blame or guilt, or accusations of being inconsiderate or insensitive. Acknowledge that men’s and women’s bodies work very differently, so you need some coaching, and you expect that he would enjoy some lessons on your body so that he can become the best lover in the world.

Once you’ve had this initial conversation, practice being more vocal about what you like and what you’d like him to do differently during your lovemaking, and ask the same from him. If you can tell him, without judgment or blame, “Gee, that feels nice, but it feels even better when you …” and “Just a little more to the left would be great …” you will find that your sexual satisfaction improves significantly. If you’re not comfortable vocalizing these things during lovemaking, try communicating with other sounds and movements – moaning louder when he hits the right spot, moving his hand just a bit, etc. Remember that you should expect to get this feedback from him, too, so you can both enjoy your lovemaking to the fullest.

The Sex Educator