Should I surprise my partner with some new toys?

Dear Sex Educator,

Lately our sex life has gotten a bit dull, and I’m thinking of surprising my partner with some new sex toys. What do you think?

That depends on what you and your partner have talked about up to this point. If you’ve never talked about sex toys, and you surprise your partner with a sex toy, then you may be in for an unfortunate surprise of your own. If it’s a romantic “I really love you and wanted to show it” surprise, then that’s likely to be very well received.

If you’re thinking of getting something to send a hint like “I think your technique needs a bit of work,” then I’d find a different way of communicating that. If you’re thinking of getting something that says “I’d like to work on my own technique, and wonder if you’d help me,” then that may be very happily received.

So if you want to bring home a surprise, bring home something that you want, and want to share, not something you want your partner to use or use on you – at least not without discussing it first. Then you’ll have a fully consenting partner exploring your new purchases, rather than finding yourself sending something back to us with a note that reads “my partner wasn’t thrilled with her surprise.”

It also might be a good idea to explore online or in our store with your partner, to get a feel for what s/he wants and would be willing to try. This way, you know you won’t be choosing an item that your partner wants nothing to do with.

The Sex Educator