Same-sex feelings and experimentation

Dear Sex Educator,
I am 13 and I am a virgin … sort of. Last summer my best girlfriend and I started doing something I feel “funny” about. We have talked about boys for years but have never tried anything. One night on a sleepover last summer, we practiced kissing each other, pretending to kiss a boy. She said we were “practicing our kissing technique”. As we lay there in the darkness doing that I became HOT! We rubbed each other’s chests and everything. As this stimulation continued, she put a finger inside me and I had a great orgasm. She asked me to do it with her, so I did and she orgasmed.

When the breathlessness went away, I felt ashamed. We never talked about anything but being best friends forever. We have done this several times since then. We have even stolen some of her father’s condoms and have put them on other things and have penetration that way. Since then, I masturbate all the time and think about sex constantly. The more we do that, the more I worry. Am I a lesbian? Can you catch that from a girl? I honestly think I would prefer a boy do that for me but just know I’ll get pregnant if I do. But I have to admit, I LOVE that intimacy and incredible release. Can I go insane? Can this ruin me for boys in future? Is it sick? I don’t know who else to ask such a personal question. Please, I need help!

What you are describing to me is very normal for a girl your age. Many girls experiment with their girlfriends; some play at being boyfriend and girlfriend, others just explore. It’s a safe way to learn more about your body and what is pleasurable for you.

This kind of attraction and activity at this stage of your life doesn’t mean a lot about your overall sexual orientation. You may find that you are attracted to both boys and girls (bisexual) or that you ultimately only find yourself attracted to boys, or only girls. How you label yourself is not that important right now.

This experimentation will not ruin you for boys. It will teach you a lot about your body, and how you like to be touched. This will be helpful in the future when you have other lovers, boys or girls, and want to tell them what you enjoy and how you like to be touched.

Playing with sex toys (the objects you insert into condoms) is a very safe way to have sexual pleasure. You could do this with boys as well, rather than just having sexual intercourse, and enjoy a variety of sexual experiences.

You can’t catch lesbianism, nor do these activities mean you are a lesbian. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a lesbian either. It just means you are enjoying your experimenting.

You are experiencing a normal level of sexual interest, and you will not go insane from it. It’s good that you can enjoy masturbation, and this sex play with your friend as a way to find release. We are all sexual beings, but unfortunately it’s not talked about very much, which is why you feel abnormal. As long as your sexuality is being expressed safely, and is not getting in the way your schoolwork and other life tasks, you don’t need to worry about it.

Is your pleasure with your girlfriend sick? That would depend on who you talk to. Many people believe that it’s just fine to love whoever you find yourself attracted to. Others think it’s wrong to love and be attracted to people of the same sex. You will need to decide for yourself what you think is right and wrong. And as I said above, this is probably not the time to make that decision for yourself.

I suggest you continue experimenting and learning about what you do and don’t like, and later you’ll have a better idea of what sorts of relationships are most comfortable for you. Be easy on yourself and allow yourself to have the pleasure you find, as long as you are careful and safe. You may want to be careful who you tell about this, since some people will be very judgmental about you and what you are learning. Thanks for such a great question.

The Sex Educator