Dear Sex Educator,
I have recently discovered that my wife of ten years is masturbating with a vibrator. For myself it was a crushing blow. I asked her what I had done wrong, but she said nothing. I had always thought that our sex life was great – she even told me that she had never had an orgasm before until she was with me. This has sent our relationship into a tailspin, and I am not sure what, if anything, I should do.
The best thing you can do is support and encourage her. There is nothing wrong with your wife using a vibrator, nor is there anything wrong with her masturbating in addition to having sex with you. It’s a very healthy thing for her to do, and it has nothing at all to do with you.
Many adults – men and women – enjoy masturbation in addition to sex with their partners. Orgasms are very good for you; studies have shown that orgasms help people avoid depression, and strengthen the immune system. Masturbation with a vibrator is a great way to have a quick orgasm, relieve stress, strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, and enjoy some pleasure alone.
Those who study relationships find that couples are healthiest when each person in the relationship has some parts of his/her life that are just for him or her, and not shared with the partner. Masturbation can be shared, but it is also a good way for a person to connect with themselves, stay focused in the body, and enjoy some quick and easy pleasure. It doesn’t mean that sex with you is not fun and pleasurable – it’s a completely different activity.
From here, I recommend that you encourage you to share her vibrator use with you. Let her know that it is great that she is finding her pleasure, and invite the vibrator into your play together. It will result in her having stronger orgasms with you, and you can enjoy her using it on you as well. Many men enjoy the sensation of vibration on their genitals. Offer to have a masturbation date, where you pleasure yourself and she pleasures herself. This can become another part of your intimacy, and it can be very arousing to both of you.
You may want to spend some time thinking about why you took this personally. Do you expect to meet all her needs? Is she expected to meet all your needs? No one can meet all the needs of a partner, and it’s healthier not to try. Find out what you can do to be supportive, and find some ways that you too can have your own solo pleasures.
Thanks for the great question!
The Sex Educator