Dear Sex Counselor,
I recently met my latest girlfriend, and she is a very experienced lover. She says she is especially attracted to a female butt. We have had beautiful sex together, but she wants to explore anal sex with me. I thought only men were interested in anal sex. I must say that every time my lover touches my anus it is quite exciting, and her tongue wanders that way as well. I am hesitant about her suggestion to use a butt plug on me and try a dildo/vibrator on me as well. Could you help me out here?
Your question is one we get often. I want you to know that anal play is something many people enjoy, not just gay men. All of us - men and women - have sensitive nerve endings in our anus and rectum, and these nerves enjoy stimulation as much as those in other "erogenous zones" do. In fact, stimulation of the anus at the time of orgasm often results in a much more intense orgasm.
So how does one get started exploring anal play? First, anal play takes communication and time. You will need to be able to say "yes", "no", "I like that", "I don’t like that". You should take your time, and allow your anal sphincter to relax.
Next, I recommend getting a good lubricant. My favorites for anal play are Uberlube and Sex Grease. Both are a bit thicker than other lubricants and have nice consistencies. I also recommend getting some gloves and a few oral sex dams, so you can explore each other’s anuses without worrying about bacteria.
Barriers are important for several reasons:
- With oral-anal contact, a barrier reduces the opportunity for E.Coli (one of the stronger bacteria in the colon) to enter your body inappropriately. Put lube on the anus to be licked, then set the sex/dental dam on the anus and lick away. It feels good, and the one doing the licking does not have to worry about bacteria.
- Gloves combined with lubricant make your hand very slick and eliminate the possibility of damaging delicate rectal tissue with fingernails or hangnails. They also mean that you cannot get an infection through a cut on your hand (E.Coli can infect cuts on your hand relatively easily).
Next, you can explore having a finger or two in your anus while having other sexual contact. You can find out if you like a lot of movement or just being filled, and if you like to be filled with only one finger or several. Then, if you wish to explore toys, you know whether you want something to thrust in and out of the anus, or something to just be inserted and left there. You also know if you want something slim, or something wider.
Once you have explored anal play with fingers and tongues, you have enough information to consider purchasing a toy or two. Keep in mind that any toy you buy should have a wider base than shaft (also known as a "flared base"), so that it cannot migrate up your rectum into your colon. It is not a very comfortable situation to have to go into the Emergency Room to ask them to retrieve something from your colon. Vibrating anal plugs are often enjoyable and usually come in several sizes. You can also get anal plugs that range from the size of one finger to the size of a fist. Plugs are meant to be inserted and not thrust in and out. If you enjoy thrusting, you can get dildos in a variety of sizes (again, be sure they have a wider base) and shapes.
One more suggestion: Either use a condom on your anal toys, or have anal toys that you do not share with anyone and that do not go into the vagina. The natural bacteria that live in the colon peacefully can cause raging infections if they get transported into the vagina by accident. If you want to share toys, please use a condom so you don’t have to worry about getting them completely clean while in the midst of a passionate play time.
Good luck with exploration! Remember to relax, communicate, and use lots and lots of lube, and it should be an enjoyable time for both of you.
The Sex Counselor