Resources for people new to BDSM

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Dear Sex Counselor,

My boyfriend and I are very open about all sexual desires that we have, and nothing is taboo - which is very nice! He is understanding and quick to respond to any interests that I introduce, and in certain ways he has been somewhat of a teacher, as he explored much of the kinky sex he is/was interested in before he met me.

Very recently I have begun to explore my fantasies that are in the B&D/D&S/S&M (BDSM) lines of things. He has been involved in many more relationships than I have, and these issues are by no means new to him. He is open to helping me learn and has begun to help me explore my fantasies, but has suggested that I also find someone else to talk with about my erotic interests, so that I can learn more about what I like by learning what others may like, and by sharing.

My problem is that most of the friends I have talked with about sex have been fairly traditional in what they have been open to talk about, and I, being fairly kinky, am not exactly comfortable talking with anyone that I currently know (who is nearby) about these issues. So, I have a few questions, related to finding someone to talk with and related to my newness to these interests:

  1. I heard there was a group in Madison that discusses many aspects of BDSM play, and acts as a meetinplace for kinky people, but I lost the contact information. Do you know anything about the group and where I can catch up with a meeting?
  2. How would you suggest meeting someone (I live in Madison) to discuss these types of interests?
  3. Do you know of any forum besides the meetings where people can discuss ideas behind/ideas for BDSM play?
  4. Are there any books that you would recommend as particularly helpful to a submissive beginner who also is interested in bringing out more of her dominant abilities (boyfriend is submissive, and most of my fantasies are submissive, but he can perform well as a top, and I want to learn to.)
  5. I am a poor college student, and as much as I would love to buy all of your books to support your store (I love your store!), I need to find a cheaper way to get this information, as I imagine it will take more than one book to satisfy my curiosities. Is there any sort of resource sharing that you know of surrounding this type of information? It seems that libraries may not be very BDSM friendly.

 

What a great question! To start with, there is a group of BDSM players called Satyricon, who meet every month to talk about BDSM play. There are a lot of people who play with BDSM in Madison, and this group is one way to meet them. To get in touch with Satyricon, search for them on the Internet. [If you’re not in the Madison area you may find a group near you through the Society of Janus, also searchable on the Internet.]

You can also explore other places on the Internet, as there are many sites out there devoted to this topic. If you want a good book or two (and still stay within a limited budget) you might want to look at the Topping Book (for info on learning more about being the dominant in a situation) and The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners. A good all-around book for beginning BDSM players is Come Hither, which offers information on a wide variety of kinky subjects. There are indeed many other books out there, but you can get much of the information you need from those three books and from various Internet newsgroups and websites.

Enjoy your pursuits, and play safely!

The Sex Counselor