Pornography and your sex life

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Dear Sex Counselor,

My husband and I have been together for four years, and married for three. Until about one year ago I was extremely sexually aggressive and most always aroused. I masturbated frequently, at least two or three times per week, and could become aroused at the drop of a hat.

All of a sudden, all of my desire seemed to disappear at once, and I haven’t noticed any improvement since. This began when I discovered that my husband enjoys looking at pornography on the Internet. Now I have some concerns about my husband’s preoccupation with sex, pornography, and looking at other women, and I think that could be my problem. If so, what should I do?


I think it’s important to trust your gut feeling on what might be causing this change for you. If you are concerned about these issues with your husband, then you need to talk with him about it. While you can’t change him, you can try to understand how he perceives sex, pornography, and maybe even other women, and you can decide whether you can live with his perspective.

I can’t really tell you much more about what to do than to start having some honest conversations with him. If you really are uncomfortable with how he approaches sex and other women, then the two of you need to negotiate to see if there is a way for him to make choices that are not so uncomfortable for you, or ways for you to live with some of his choices.

I also want to encourage you to explore what your own sexuality means to you, and what arouses you when you are alone. Even though you may be uncomfortable with your husband right now, I would hope you can still find a way to provide some satisfaction for yourself during masturbation. It’s good for your sexual health to keep having orgasms and keep your pelvic floor muscles and vaginal wall flexible.

You might want to separate the two out, having your own sex life with yourself, and one with your husband. The two may intersect, or they may stay separate. This way you can still provide pleasure to yourself, in ways that are comfortable for you.

I hope your conversation with your husband goes well.

The Sex Counselor