New partner is too wide & too long!

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Dear Sex Counselor,

i just found out my new lover is rather... frighteningly endowed. and most of my past lovers have mistaken me for a virgin. he’s patient and sweet, so he doesn’t mind waiting while i overcome fears, or trying other interesting things in the meantime.

i enjoy performing oral sex and both vaginal and anal penetration... but, quite frankly, i’m not sure how something ten inches long and the girth of a red bull can fit... especially since i don’t like a man hitting my cervix during intercourse.

do you have any suggestions? what types of lubrication should i be researching? are there any toys or products that could... help work me up to that size comfortably?


This is a common issue for women. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help improve the chances that you will have comfortable intercourse.

First, the 2 of you can practice lots of vaginal massage, deep relaxation (of you) and gradual insertion of an increasing number of his fingers. Use a very good moisturizing lubricant like Oasis Silk or Pink Indulgence for the massage, and coat his fingers with silicone lubricant for the insertion. What you want to do is have him insert the number of fingers that makes you feel full without pain or tearing. As he puts his fingers into you, take a deep breath and relax your pelvis and the area from your anus to your pubic bone fully. Then have him gently move his fingers in a corkscrew motion, with you relaxing the whole time. Then you can have an orgasm with his fingers in you - with either you or him stimulating you.

The other thing you can do is get several dildos in a range of sizes and use them during self pleasuring, with the same instructions about deep breaths and relaxation - the goal is to relax the muscles at the opening of the vagina. I recommend using silicone lubricant for all of this, so if you get silicone dildos, then be sure to put an unlubricated condom over the dildo before lubing it up.

For depth, here are our recommendations for when a partner is too long:

Dear Sex Counselor: My partner is too long!

When you get to the point where you want to try intercourse, you want to be in a position where you can control the depth of penetration and speed. Take it slowly, and stop if it hurts or you feel your skin tearing. Use lots of lube - silicone is a good choice again, and if he wears a snug-fitting condom slathered in lots of lube, that will help.

Remember to take your time, breathe deeply at the time of penetration, and have fun!

The Sex Counselor