I'm having lesbian fantasies

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Dear Sex Counselor,

I have been seriously involved with a man for the last eight years. During our love making, I sometimes talk about having sex with another woman to turn him on, but the truth is it really turns me on, too. I have never had an encounter with another woman, but it seems to be all I think about now. Should I act on this new feeling (and if so, how?) or should I treat it as a fantasy only?


Many women find themselves fantasizing about what it would be like to have sex with another woman. I would suggest that you answer the following questions for yourself as you try to decide what you want to do:

  1. Do you want to explore only a sexual encounter with a woman, or are you thinking you want to explore both a sexual and emotional link with another woman?
  2. Do you want a woman to join you and your boyfriend in sex, or do you want to have sex with a woman without your partner involved?
  3. If you want a woman for a sexual encounter for just yourself, will this pose a problem for your partner?
  4. Are you comfortable clearly communicating your desires to your potential female partner, so as to avoid different expectations between the two of you? What I am referring to is the tendency for women to become quickly emotionally involved with a partner once they have sex together. If you only want a sexual partner, or a single sexual encounter, you will need to clearly communicate that to a potential sexual partner.
  5. Is the fantasy powerful and useful as a fantasy? You should consider whether you want to lose the power of the fantasy; that could happen once you make it real. Sometimes the reality is so good that the fantasy remains powerful, but often acting out a fantasy removes the erotic charge from it as a fantasy.

It has been our experience that it is difficult to find women interested in joining a couple, though there are some women who do so. If you choose to explore this fantasy, the best way to find potential partners is through the personals section of the newspaper, either by placing an ad or answering ads of people seeking something similar. Sometimes you can find a partner within your social circle, but be careful that you don’t end up wrecking a friendship in the process!

I hope this list of questions helps you. Think carefully about what you want and need in your sexual life before moving into something that involves another person. You may well find another woman with similar questions and interests nearby, if you decide to pursue your interest further than fantasy.

The Sex Counselor