How can I improve my lagging sex life with my spouse?

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Dear Sex Counselor,

I need some advice - fast! I am happily married but not happy with the sexual side of our relationship. I do everything I can to please my husband and to try to get him to show me some attention. When he does look my way, and we become intimate, he is done before I even get started! I have to resort to masturbation and my trusty vibrator to finish the job. I understand that my husband works a lot; but so do I, and I can still find time to be attracted to him. I can literally stand naked in front of the TV (during a commercial) and get no response except, "I was watching that!"

I hate to sound so pathetic, but I have tried everything! I don’t want to rely on plastic and Rayovac for the rest of my days. Please help!


This is a serious situation, and I want to encourage you to express your feelings to your husband in such a way that he can understand how frustrated you are. I also believe that you need to find a qualified sex therapist (look for one with AASECT certification) or marriage and family therapist to help the two of you. You may have some difficult issues in your relationship that aren’t being dealt with, and are being expressed in his lack of sexual interest.

If your husband refuses to communicate with you about the sexual problems in your relationship, you will need to decide if you want to stay married to someone who is not interested in the kind of sexual relationship you want. If you do not want this, let him know very clearly that if he does not join you to get help, that you will need to leave. If you are okay about the way things are, then you can give him the choice of doing something or not. You cannot force him to change, but you can tell him how important this is to you and how it makes you feel.

Yes, you need some help in your relationship. I hope you can convince him to see that too, and that you are able to get past this point. You don’t need to accept the situation as it is; however, understand that both of you need to work on it together, or nothing will change.

The Sex Counselor