Dear Sex Counselor,
I am married for 9 years with a little one. My husband is never home and we have drifted apart emotionally and physically. Actually our sex life was never that good. I have gotten myself in a relationship with a very good friend. He will not tell me how he feels about me because he doesn’t want to be a scapegoat for my marriage. I can tell he cares about me. We haven’t made love but have come pretty close. I feel really bad about all this but he makes me feel a live again. I don’t know what to do. I really believe I am not in love with my husband anymore. Why would I get myself into this situation if I was.?!?! I am concerned how it will effect my little one if we do get separated and or divorced. I just don’t want to live a lie though. I know many people stay together for the children, but I really want to love and be loved.
I think you need to sit and look at your life and ask if the way you are living is really a good example for your child? Your child deserves to see her/his parents in a healthy and happy relationship, and s/he will thrive on parents who set a good example. So either you and your husband need to do the work that it would take to get your relationship in a better place, so your child can be supported by healthy parents who teach the child how to have a good and healthy relationship, or you need to make the changes necessary to allow both of you to be happy and healthy and to show your child the way to be a stable adult.
As for why you would get into a situation with someone else...there are many reasons, some good and some less-than-ideal. I strongly suggest that you stop seeing this person until you decide what you want for yourself and your own life. If the two of you are meant to be together, he will be there when you are free and ready to make a full commitment. It’s always better to be honest to yourself and everyone around you. Don’t use the excuse of another lover to end your marriage. It’s a lousy way to end things, and results in a lot of pain that you don’t need to have happen.
You deserve to be in a vital and healthy relationship, and your child deserves to be parented by those who love their lives and demonstrate good relationship skills. Anything less is a recipe for insecurity and neurosis later in life.
Good luck with your decision.
The Sex Counselor