Dear Sex Counselor
Need advice. Am 17.5 years of age, and going with a "friend". We’re not serious enough to consider marriage yet. I’m only a junior in high school, but I’m told I am "very mature" for my age.
Anyhow, my girlfriend and I have safe sex - she told me, "Friends can do this", and I see no problem with that. Last week, I went home because baseball practice was called off because of rain. I got to her house, and she was working in her dad’s office, and wouldn’t be home until after six (it was 3:30). Her mother invited me in - she is only 15 years older than my girlfriend (she got pregnant in high school and had to marry the father). Anyway, she invited me in, and I went - I feel at home there, for I practically live there.
She asked me if I wanted a drink, and I said "yes", but I had to go to the bathroom first. When I came out, she was in a nighty. She got my drink and sat beside me on couch. Being a 17-year-old, you know how I felt about a beautiful 33-year-old woman in a see-through nightie!
We started to kiss, "as friends", she said. I went ballistic. She invited me into the bedroom. "I want you to see something", she said. I was panting as I followed her. She took off her nightie and stood naked. "It’s only flesh!" she said. She asked me if I was curious about what a woman looked like. I gave and received my first oral sex with her - I have a monstrous appetite and recuperative powers that way. I had my first female-on-top sex then, too.
When the moaning stopped, I felt very guilty. I wanted her but felt guilty that I had done it.
Background summary: Her husband was hurt in a wreck six years ago, and is now paralyzed from about neck down. He only uses his right hand well, and his left hand barely, and he’s in a wheelchair. She told he cannot have sex. Two years ago, my girlfriend came home and caught her mother being raped. They were estranged for weeks before reconciling. Last year, she was raped again in her home and caught the rapist. I thought nothing of this then, but now I’m thinking about it a lot. She and I have lots of opportune times to be together. I must admit, she is most pleasurable, attractive, mature and hot. She blows my mind.
After this one time, she whistled, hummed and flitted around house happy as lark. It took hours for my eyes to uncross. She tells me that since it is just flesh, not love but fun, and that she still loves husband, this will not affect her daughter and me, and always that she is always there for "US." I want to GO FOR IT - she is that sensational.
Still, I have a gnawing feeling in the back of mind to use caution. Now, I WANT HER THIS WAY and got the impression that she wants it too. If we can do this discreetly, will it have any repercussions on my emotional system? I know that marriage, etc. is not a reason for sex. She is a darned delicious woman, but I feel she is hurting and has selected me for that. I’m not worried about pregnancy, disease, etc.
I feel drawn to her like a moth to a flame, and I’m not thinking too clearly right now. I need advice on the pitfalls my bliss is hiding from me.
I think it’s great that you are thinking carefully about this, and want some advice about what the pitfalls might be. I’ll tell you what I think the risks are, but you are the only one who can decide if it’s worth taking the risks or not.
First of all, it’s likely that your friend will eventually find out about you and her mother. Many of us are intuitive and smart enough to notice when relationships change, and she’s likely to notice that you and her mom are relating differently to one another, even when you are trying to hide that. So you will have to decide if it’s worth risking your friendship/relationship with her. If she’s really amazing, she might understand and be supportive, but it’s more likely that she’ll be hurt and wonder if she can trust you, and if she can trust her mother. In fact, given what you have told me, it’s possible you are being used in the struggle between mother and daughter.
Second, her mother could have a sexually transmitted infection (80 percent of all people who have STDs don’t know it), even if she tells you she doesn’t. If she is having sex with you, what makes you think she has not had sex with anyone else? And if she is choosing young men, she may think she is safe from STDs; but statistically, the group with the highest rate of STDs are men and women aged 16-25. So you could be exposing yourself to something you could carry with you for the rest of your life. Regardless of what else you do, please use a condom!
Third, think about how her husband will feel if he finds out. It’s really hard to hide something like this, and he will be very hurt if he learns of it. That is not your responsibility, but you could be the one to say to her that she needs to think this through so that she is not setting herself, and her marriage, up for pain and distress later. Just because her husband had an accident, that doesn’t mean they cannot enjoy a variety of sexual experiences; don’t let her use you as an excuse not to work on her marriage and the sex life she could have in that marriage. Even if she and her husband can’t have intercourse, there are lots of other ways they can have a sexual relationship.
Fourth, and most important, your warning bells are going off, and so that’s the most important thing to pay attention to. My warning bells tell me she may not be totally truthful to you, and that she is using you to get the sex she wants, or to use against her daughter. Only continue this if you are completely comfortable being in this position with her. If your gut says to be wary, then respect that feeling, because our instincts are rarely wrong about these things.
And last, protect yourself and your heart. It’s pretty hard not to fall for someone when you’re having great sex on a regular basis. The head and the heart and the body often get all mixed up at those times. So take care of yourself, and recognize the very real limitations on this experience. Yes, there could be pitfalls, so you’ll need to decide if the loss of your friendship/relationship with your girlfriend, and the potential chaos that could happen with this family, will be worth the sexual experiences you are having.
The Sex Counselor