Introducing new sexual play to my partner

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Dear Sex Counselor,
My girlfriend and I have awesome sex, but I am terrified to try new things with her! I ask her what she likes, or what she would like and I never really get a straight answer. How do I approach this? How can I get over this fear? I think I am afraid of her rejecting my ideas and advances.


It's understandable to be afraid of rejection, particularly when you ask and don't get straightforward answers. I am wondering if you have told your girlfriend about your interest in exploring, and your wish that she would share with you what she is comfortable doing, and what she would prefer not to explore. Sometimes this is easier to do if the two of you sit down with a book or movie that depicts a variety of activities so that both of you can react and say "hmmm, I've always wondered what that would be like" or "no way - I don't think I want to explore that!" in a more neutral way.

I also think you could explore your fear of her rejecting your ideas. What would it mean to you if she does reject them? I want to suggest that you need to be ready not to take it personally if your girlfriend says "yuck" to something you like or want to do. We all have such varied preferences in what arouses us sexually, and a negative reaction from her probably has more to do with her feelings toward the activity than her feelings toward you. The safest thing to do is to ask, "Is this about me, or about what I said I might like to try?" Then you don't sit there wondering! Ask this question whenever you aren't sure - it works well to clarify when your girlfriend is actually upset with you and when she is just tense, anxious, or stressed about something else directing that tension toward you. We all take our stresses out on our sweeties when we don't mean to, so it's important to clarify what's happening so that you don't make the wrong assumption.

It sounds as though you have a lot of thinking and talking to do, both with yourself and with your girlfriend. I wish you much success in getting what you want and what's comfortable for both you and your partner.

The Sex Counselor