Communicating my desires to another woman

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Dear Sex Counselor,
I have recently begun a relationship with a female. We have met in person only a few times but have talked for months over the computer. We are very attracted to each other. She is coming to visit me in a week and will be staying the night, as she lives an hour and a half away. I have never been with a woman but am quite attracted to her. She is a lesbian and has had a few relationships. I would like for something to happen between us while she is here, but I am nervous about initiating it since I am inexperienced in this area. Can you give me any tips on how to initiate something with her? What kinds of things should I do? I know what women do with women, but being new to all of this I am unsure about some forms of lesbian sex. Thanks for your time and your response.


So many of us are nervous about initiating sexual contact with a new sweetie. I'll be honest - I'm a strong believer in coming right out and saying what you want. So you might want to say something like, "I'd really like to make love with you. Do you feel the same way?" If she says no, honor that and don't try to guilt-trip her. If she says yes, then you should be prepared to first talk about safer sex.

Women can pass sexually transmitted infections to each other, so we recommend using sex dams, cut open condoms, or plastic wrap as a barrier during oral sex. That way you are sure you won't get herpes or genital warts, or even HIV.

Next, you can always talk about what you both like, or you can just start touching each other. Don't worry about getting it right or wrong - it's likely that if you touch her as you would like to be touched, that you'll do fine. It's always a good idea to ask if she likes certain touches, and communicate with her about what you like. Don't expect her to know exactly what you like, and be ready to tell her what you like and don't like as she's touching you. We are all so different, and it can be really exciting to hear a new partner say "oh yes, like that" or "I'd really like it if you'd ..."

Trust your body, and know what you like. Then be willing to talk first - if you communicate your desires up front, there can be no confusion. I would be prepared for her to say she doesn't want to be sexual, and have plans for the two of you to stay busy just in case sex is not on her agenda. Have supplies ready: nitrile gloves (if either of you is sensitive or allergic to latex) if you have hangnails or chapped hands; sex dams or condoms or plastic wrap for oral sex; and a water-based lubricant for penetration. That way you won't get too sore if you both end up wanting a wild sexual encounter. Candles, fun finger foods, and plenty of food and drink in the house always helps (so you don't have to go out if you're having too much fun).

And finally, relax, and have fun!

The Sex Counselor