Painful anal sex

Published:

Dear Dr. Myrtle,

I have some questions about painful anal sex.We took a big jump the other night with a rather large butt plug. It hurt, and I bled a fair amount. I don’t even really like anal stimulation, but my partner enjoys it a great deal. Is there anything you can suggest that will make this more pleasant for me?


First, if anything hurts, ever, with anal play, STOP! Pain is not a part of anal massage or penetration, and is your signal that something is wrong, either with the technique or your body.

Each of us has only one anus. Pain is NOT a part of anal massage and penetration, and is a signal that your actions are damaging skin, muscles, tissue of the anus and/or anal canal. So, if you are not enjoying yourself, stop. Sexual pleasure is about consent for all involved, and you are not obligated to provide pleasure for someone else when it is hurting you. I encourage you to stop and get more information, no matter how much your partner enjoys it. You need to advocate for yourself in this situation. It is a difficult life to live with a less-than-healthy anus. You rely on the comfortable functioning of your anus every day for the rest of your life, and no one's pleasure is more important than your health.

Bleeding is also important to pay attention to. Beyond an infection risk, anal bleeding means that something has been ripped (anal fissure), torn (a hemorrhoid has broken open), or abraded (the surface friction was too much). In short, it means that some part of you has been damaged. The scarring can lead to prolonged pain and discomfort, and this type of touch has no place in your sessions. Serious rectal bleeding can be an emergency, and you might need medical attention to evaluate the cause of the bleeding.

You need more information about anal play. For example, the anus doesn’t require "bigger is better" for pleasure. The many nerve endings in your rectum/anus/perineal (around the anus) area means that the area is exquisitely sensitive to both touch and arousal. A little sensation and pressure can go a long way. Very small strokes, latex- or polyurethane-covered fingers, air puffs, small dildos, etc. can be quite arousing. Very satisfying anal-play experiences can be achieved through prolonged anal massage with fingers, gloves and lube. Stroking the outer anal muscle ring with firm massage strokes will enhance sensation and blood flow, increasing your sexual arousal.

There are some great references specifically on anal play for you to read up on: J. Morin’s book Anal Pleasure and Health and T. Taormino’s book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. You deserve - and need - information about anal play so that you can make informed decisions about your body and the bodies you love. Above all else, take care of your tushie.

Dr. Myrtle