Masturbating, but can't have an orgasm

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Dear Sex Counselor,

I am an 18-year-old woman and have been masturbating regularly since I was 14. I have been able to bring myself close to orgasm with fingers and then again with a vibrator, but I haven’t had an orgasm. I’ve tried using a massaging showerhead to stimulate myself, but nothing seems to work. Is there any other techniques, etc. that you would recommend?


My first inclination is to suggest a more powerful vibrator. Some women need very intense stimulation to be able to have orgasms, and you may be one of them. You might want to try a back massager type of vibrator like the Acuvibe or the Hitachi Magic Wand. I’d also suggest that you consider adding vaginal and/or anal stimulation - get a vibrator you can use inside your vagina to intensify how many nerve endings you’re stimulating. You might also try reading erotic stories or watching an adult video to enhance your arousal.

It’s also important to note that it can take some women 30 to 45 minutes from starting arousal to having an orgasm. So be sure to give yourself lots of time, read an erotic story or two, or watch a bit of a sexy movie, and build your arousal slowly and steadily - stimulate your nipples (if you like that), then massage your labia until you’re very aroused and swollen. Then add a vibrator on a low setting to keep building your arousal. Stimulate your vaginal opening and anus, if you like that, and insert a vibrator in your vagina. Then move the other vibrator around your clitoris - don’t vibrate directly on the head of the clitoris until you are intensely aroused. Even then, you might not want to put the vibrator directly on the head of the clitoris - instead, hold it to the side to find the right spot. Hold it in place when you find a spot that feels exquisitely good, and then see if you can follow that feeling through to orgasm. Hope you have many orgasms in the days to come!

The Sex Counselor